In some ways I know what love is—they really do care about me—but in some ways I wish they'd let me go because it sucks being here.
Being sick makes me aware of how wrong everything is. That is until I realize just yesterday everything was fine in the universe and one switch can't possibly be that important.
It's a mistake to let yourself drown and it is horrific to drown but you're gonna keep paddling as long as you can because it feels worse if you subject yourself to it and only it—forgetting the rest of everything that isn't as terrible as it. Yes, it's there and it's pulling you down but do you have to live under it?
In the state I'm in it really makes me question having kids. We push ourselves into emotional debt and say it has to be how it is when we have reasoning and foresight about what the human experience is. I live without taking risks and I still end up in the shit.
Maybe you have to dare to make it all worth it but maybe we've gone too far and we can all feel it. Soldiers scream and shout to keep going—setting the standard for us all. The one's trailing can't help but slow down. What's the price of our togetherness and how long will it hold when our motives are at such odds?
I haven't even contracted covid but I have to at some point. When I'm sick I prefer to be outside if weather permits—it let's me know there's peace beyond my pain. How many people are stuck in hospital beds? We made so much world that there's now so much pain. I would like to know that everyone's okay.