I can only hope to scrub my brain trying to recollect the glorious days of yore. This Gamerdom has come so far and yet look at how it suffers now in the darkest times we’ve ever had. Who even has even had the opportunity to purchase a PS5 or Xbox Series X? The electronics shortages are more harrowing than anyone can dare admit. Being on the cutting edge is a hideous curse. We need not say how many stimmy checks were lost.
No Man’s Sky
Who decided to make a game containing a galaxy’s worth of planets be about resource collection and inventory management? There’s literally no story, characters, voice actors or meaning in anything because it’s the same planet repeated a billion times. So what if it looks different? It’s boring. Ya, you remade the cover of Science-fiction novels. Good for you. Now make a compelling game that isn’t just wage slavery in the worst way (RuneScape being the best way).
Call of Duty
I too was a young man.
Destiny 2
My brain is literally melting. Where do you want me to go and do? Check boxes. Boom boom. Check more boxes. Have I checked my weekly boxes? Hey guys cash shop! Wanna buy something? It’s a lot but you’ll like it...kinda. Makes you look cool while you’re checking boxes. You don’t want to be one of those sad schmucks that looks frumpy while you’re checking boxes.
Halo
At some point it’s just sad.
PUBG
When are you gonna move? You might need to soon. Circle’s coming dude. You got cover? That was a bad idea dude—now everyone’s shooting. Fuck man! Did you really have to poke your head out? We just needed to sit tight. No, you crawl over here—I ain’t moving. The bush wookies are watching. Just quick before they start nade spamming. Oh god. I hope you die—I need meds. Aaaaaand red zone.
Valorant
Your parents were alcoholics and it shows.
Anthem
Wow. I didn’t realize a game studio could stop being a game studio. The world content is so arcane that I have to question if it even exists and your world map is a labyrinthine maze a rat would get lost in, your character leveling is so devoid that I don’t know why it exists and your world-building is a parody of the shadow of your former self.
Counter-Strike
I don’t drink enough beer or disrespect enough women for this game.
Fortnite
I’ve never seen someone ressurect a lost cause before. Talk about picking yourself up by your bootstraps. The level of sheer luck involved in your redemption arc that catapulted you from the fringe of society to the reigning king—all off milking kids-4-cash at twenty dollars a motherfucking pop. For weapon skins. And banana costumes. In a computer game. You band-wagoned yourself into success, zero to hero, and some fucking how it just so happened that your building mechanic had the highest skill-cap known to man so now zoomers are going pro and looking like gods. I just...life makes no sense. It was a zombie defense co-op shooter. What happened?
League of Legends
I wish I was as motivated to earn money as I am to gain ranks.
Terraria
There’s so much I need to do that I’m paralyzed with indecision and almost always guaranteed to get distracted. I can play for ten hours and make literally zero progress...somehow. I’ve got so many wiki pages open that my game is slowing down and I’m relapsing into depression because I’ll never catch up. How does everyone else beat it so fast and manage to kill Moonlord? I kind of want to cry because I’m being humiliated by twelve pixels and I’ll never have a house as cool as the ones on Reddit because I never went to college for architecture. And worst of all I can’t even manage to meet girls in what is pretty much the only game they’re willing to play beyond Minecraft, Animal Crossing and The Sims.
Battlefield
I murdered men for fifty whole minutes and I’ll do it again—don’t you back-cap me.
Rainbow Six Siege
I’m never going to learn strategy and tactics. I don’t care if it’s the whole point of the game. This is a motherfucking FPS and I’m looking to frag. Run in bitch! Go! Now! Who needs to scout things? You just aim better than them retard. And there you go! You got spawn-peaked. Fucking great. Fuck this game. Round’s already over. AAAAAAAAnd it’s a Caveira with her fucking pistol. Oldest trick and you fell for it. Have fun breaking those walls without me. Iron dome defense system around the entire fucking perimeter like they’re the Jewish state of Israel.
Battlefront 2
I’m going to murder whoever balanced the Heroes and Villains.
Dark Souls 3
Oh my fucking God I love these games so much. Remember Seethe?! And the pyromancies! And invasions? SOUL OF CINDER! The fricken scythes and the bonfires! Yes! I need to replay it again. Give it to me. My good old friend—my bestest bud. I’ll make a build I’ve never used before. Oh wait fuck. This game is easy until it’s not and then it’s broken and stupid and I hate the people who design these boss fights. The game designers are paid professional salaries to infuriate, annoy and toy with me on a frame by frame basis. Why is beating a game so much work? Each playthrough is an errand list of upgrades and items I have to make sure not to miss or else I’m making life hard on myself. Plus the strategies never change and no, I will not—ever—learn how to parry. Why feed sadism another thirty hours? I’d rather go hollow.
Overwatch
I feel so good until I feel so bad. Widowmaker flashing her ass on my grave.
Fear not my brothers—the first wave of delays will soon be at their end. Drink up. Drink up. There looms the coming of the second—this is not the end. Huddle in now and listen to me as reverent as you be. We must pray.
Battlefield 2042
We ask our lord god that DICE has got their head on straight after two games of going so terribly wrong. I didn’t even buy BF1 at launch because who would opt into 60 dollars of misery? That beta was a freakshow of horrors. Then BFV came along and the gameplay was at least decent but launch held a terrible secret that was unleashed on us all—they had completely forgotten who their audience was. Shot in the foot by your own hand..shame. We were left in the deserts of a live service game without any service—totally devoid of life. I hope they’ve repented for all our sakes and future gamers everywhere.
Halo Infinite
Only a fool would play this game on mouse and keyboard. I know I know. It sounds heinous but truthfully speaking Halo caters to the plebs and will always. The PC/Console infinity war will continue and so you must not fear giving in to your base desires this one time. The game is just so thicc that it makes no sense to commit an act of self-harm like trying to out aim an assault-rifler that can headshot at fifty paces. It’s almost impossible to land a full burst on someone with the battlerifle. Your only hope is the mountains of aim-assist 343 throw your way for a being a pitiful controller beggar. They literally move heavens and Earth so that your bullets might headshot. This sorry state plus bloom is the master race’s doom.
World War 3
I had always rooted for it because it tried to strike at the perfect moment but it failed massively. Here now it rises again gunning to be the champion of AA shooters. I’ve always had a soft spot for the little guys of the FPS genre doing their most to deliver the sound and fury of battle. The movement hasn’t been doing so well since the Xbox 360/PS3 generation with a rare few like Homefront 1, Shadow Warrior 2, H1Z1. I remember Tom Clancy...even AAA got eaten into. Dying Light, Deus Ex: HR—both are a brush with greatness. Sometimes I feel like people forget what a good game is—they fly right past it.
Elden Ring
Oooooooooh, Elden Ring. I really can’t say. There’s no knowing but also we have every way of knowing. It’ll be the same. Always the same. Forever.
A Miracle, Indie Game Reinforcements
POSTAL Brain Damaged
Another addition to the tongue-in-cheek shooter genre (Duke Nukem, Shadow Warrior, Serious Sam). I’ll remember this more fondly than DOOM Eternal simply because it can chill the fuck out. Sorry but DOOM grinds my gears—it’s plays like heavy metal poisoning. Potty humor becomes comparatively refreshing. Plus it ditches the collect-athon elements.
Into the Pit
I have a mild to light addiction to roguelike FPS dungeon crawlers—this one doesn’t have any backtracking and it’s atmosphere is dripping. Tempting. My only worry is that it’s too easy same as Postal Brain Damaged. Retro is hard.
Deltarune
Kek. Like I’d fall in love. No, I don’t have fond memories of childhood and I won’t be playing this game. Everyone dies eventually—you can’t save them.
Aztech Forgotten Gods
Super innovative gameplay. Wait, scratch that, I forgot that Sonic the Hedgehog exists. I’m amazed it’s only as janky as it is. This will have a hardcore playerbase that never forgets it—maybe small, in like the dozens, but they’ll stand proudly and say, “THERE ARE DOZENS OF US!”
The Inspector
There’s potential here. I’m impressed but also too sick at the moment for a walking simulator that’s a tad bit too indie. Nonetheless I’m glad he’s ventured forth into gamedev and created something pretty. Flower is a worse game.
I need these games, at the right price point, in the near future or I will be very sad. They’re not the most popular games but they’re the treasure of my very own particular taste. Some might fail me and some might uphold my dreams of what they could be. It’s hard to tell—a dark horse keeps to himself.
Codename: Final Form
Witchfire
Severed Steel
Little Nightmares 2
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Cult of the Lamb
Riftbreaker
Evil West
Exo One
Some games are fated for the grave. I’m really quite sorry because it didn’t have to be that way. In one way or another they made a fatal error and missed the mark of my ever-darkening heart. How many loves can be lost? I just wanted everything to be alright.
Shadow Warrior 3
That doesn’t read. See Ghost Recon: Breakpoint.
Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodhunt
The setting is great and the gameplay is better than most—you’re just three years too late and inserting yourself into a franchise that desperately needs an RPG entry. I played until my brains exploded, 30 hours, no more.
Death Stranding
That’s two for two Mr. Kojima. Your cutscenes can’t save you. The games are always half-baked and overly strange. I’d prefer if you graduated into movies—it’d save me so much time and physical pain. Not to mention your employees.
Recompile
Darling little concept with a ton going for it but there’s a kink in it’s progression design akin to Hollow Knight that rubs me all wrong. I hate having to blindly backtrack looking for the means to go forward. It’s boss fights are terrifying though and I’ll never forget them—better than Dark Souls.
Back 4 Blood
Left 4 Dead 3.
Sea of Solitude
I’m never going to be able to get over this one. It was years ago. I can’t believe trailers that good were made for a game that trash. The characters and concept were perfect. They needed to pull an Inside—no dialogue and little to no explanation or backstory plus no extraneous props/collectibles, simple puzzles, straight path—make it a vibe and nothing else.
Valheim
I was enraptured up until I had to expand further out into the world and I realized how massive of a slog that was for a solo player. Please give it to me with a smaller map and faster progression. I would love you so much. Maybe I have to look into mods.
Cyberpunk 2077
Just wow. It was good enough to play through and the world map had so much potential from the green houses to the rocket launch island to the satellite dishes beneath the mesa, the ruins of Pacifica and the endless mountains of trash. Beyond gorgeous and yet it died like a Hollywood actress on drugs—tragically. It’s elements didn’t gel and it wasted it’s own potential.
Praise be and hallelujah for he is full of grace.
Control
Wolfenstein 2 The New Colossus
The Witcher 3: Blood and Wine
The Evil Within 2
Observer
INSIDE
FEAR
I have a deep love of spooky and little to no tolerance for horror. For the sin of still not having played Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines I must repent.
& The Best Gamer Song Goes To
That’s the 2021 State of the Gamer Address. Sorry guys, I’m not a Sony or Nintendo chud and I detest anime in my games—it’s unpalatable. Keep it on the video screen. Your budgets (and standards) are far too low. Things have to get better from here and if anything the darkness imprinted on our collective psyche will deliver to us new limits of artistic angst. Yippie!